A double update!
Week 3 was the North West, featuring Aiden (Northern Lex Luther), Mary Ellen (ditzy chemistry teacher) and Chris (*yawn*... sorry, what? Who? Oh yeah, that guy), judged by previous winner Phil Howard.
The theme for this week was 'The Reformed Bell-End'. Both Phil and Aiden were insufferable in their own special ways in previous years, but actually came out alright this time. Phil's arrogance didn't feature so much when he got to be a judge, and he was a reasonably fair one at that. And Aiden used to be the absolute poster boy for over-competitiveness (competitiveness? competitivity?) and snarking, but (while that side of him didn't completely disappear) the fact that both Mary Ellen and Chris were quite nice and not rising to it meant that he didn't have anyone to be over-competitive with.
I tell you what I didn't like so much. The narrator constantly harping on about the chef's failings. Mary Ellen had a rough first round and came up late, but still got high marks, which you wouldn't know if you only heard the VO banging on about how precarious her position was. And the epithet they came up with for Aiden was 'three time loser'. Not cool, writers. As time went by I found myself rooting for Aiden more and more. Mary Ellen was obviously nicer and had some cool ideas, but Aiden was so desperate to win and put so much effort in it became quite endearing. He even teared up a couple of times when he got high scores. Bless.
Aiden ended up the winner, but here's my highlights:
Biggest Prick of the Week - This was a tough one. Phil was condescending and Aiden was bolshy, but I'm going to have to give this one to Guest Judge Rowland Rivron. Because screw that guy.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Mary Ellen. She didn't quite hit it this year but I think she'll do well in the future.
Moment of the Week - The tears of Lex Luther when he finally beat Superman. I mean, won the final.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - A tie between Aiden's beef dish and Mary Ellen's Bathtub of Beans. I'm not a fan of crabmeat, but it did look pretty cool. I love food that's made to look like other things.
Wild card of the Week - Rowland Rivron teaming up with Matthew Fort to make Dad jokes.
Week 4 was in the North East, with (I think) exactly the same competitors as last year. The only difference was the judge was Jason Atherton instead of Nigel Haworth, which produced much rejoicing, as Haworth was one of my least favourite judges of all time. Atherton was alright, but his grammar drove Pete barmy. 'Pronouns are not interchangeable motherfuckeeeeerrr'.
The chefs were Colin (slightly effete previous winner with a dry-ice fetish) Stephanie (mad-eyed eager country lass) and Charlie (dead ringer for the kind of guy who used to hit on me at my old Uni's Alt-Rock nights*, so I remain surprised he isn't actually a 4th year engineering student wearing a Korn t-shirt).
By all rights, this should have been Stephanie's year. She's had gimmicky-fun leanings before, but it seemed that Nigel Haworth (grrr) knocked those out of her last year when he consistently picked on her, even pulling her away for a chat about how badly she was doing (she was doing fine, he just didn't get it). In my view, Charlie was the one who hit the brief, even when it was bit, uhh, much. But Colin was streets ahead of the other two and it wasn't much of a surprise when he won. Having said that, it was really close between him and Stephanie on the final day, and when Tim Brooke-Taylor came back to tell them how close it was I really enjoyed seeing his face fall. He was a bit too smug.
Anyway, the highlights:
Biggest Prick of the Week - Charlie. In a way this series has been a lot more diverse than previous ones. The pricks they've featured have ranged from 'smug prick' to 'annoying prick', but I have to say it's nice to see a good old fashioned 'aggressively competitive prick' again. Well played, Charlie, well played.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Stephanie 'Mad-eye' Moon. Gawd bless her.
Moment of the Week - When Charlie brought up his starter that looked like a dog turd, and Jason Atherton was clearly unimpressed.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - You know, I'm going to go with Charlie's Take Away kebab dish. I know it got slated and looked a bit of a mess, but I think it was a neat idea and took balls. Charlie wins again.
Wild card of the Week - Atherton: 'I'm looking for a plate what delivers good'. Pete: 'Fuck yooooooooou'.
I won't leave it so long next time. Promise
*I don't mean to brag here. Even back in the day I tended to give off a matronly, maternal air, so the Prog fans found me comforting while the Metalheads wanted to corrupt me. Ahh, the alt-rock crowd. I truly was their queen.
Wednesday 27 February 2013
Thursday 21 February 2013
Chilli Pesto
This is basically a cross between green thai curry sauce, salsa verde and pesto. The creamed coconut and oil make it set into a thick paste that lasts ages, and it can be used in a whole pile of things. I stir some into couscous as a side or a quick lunch, use it as a marinade for chicken then grill it, and stick it into stir fries. It's probably good with fish too, but I can't stand fish and neither should you.
As the heat comes from the chillis you can adjust as you see fit, but I like it on the pokey side. Just remember that capsaicin is fat soluble, so when combined with the creamed coconut it will always be a little milder than you expect. Isn't that a great fact? I'll wait while you write that down.
You will need:
2-3 finger chillis, preferrably green but no biggie
2-3 chopped spring onions
1/3 block creamed coconut
handful chopped coriander (precisely the amount provided in a Tesco herb bag, or about 2 tbsp chopped)
handful chopped mint (same amount)
lemon juice
sesame seeds (optional, I like the crunch they give)
salt
vegetable oil
chilli flakes or chilli oil (optional)
Put everything except the vegetable oil and chilli flakes into a food processor.
Blend it. When everything is thoroughly chopped, slowly add some vegetable oil while the processor is running until the mixture turns smooth.
Check for seasoning, and add chilli flakes or oil if you want it a bit hotter.
Spoon into a container, and keep refrigerated.
Here's a picture of a lovely stir fry I made with it.
I just cooked the chicken in a wok with some onions and added a small amount of chilli pesto and some salad leaves (for greenery, I'm nothing if not aesthetic), then served with some re-hydrated rice noodles which had more of the chilli pesto stirred through.
If you're feeling a little adventurous put a couple of teaspoons in a mug and top with boiling water. Great for when you've got a bit of a cold, and way better than lemsip. Lemsip is rank.
As the heat comes from the chillis you can adjust as you see fit, but I like it on the pokey side. Just remember that capsaicin is fat soluble, so when combined with the creamed coconut it will always be a little milder than you expect. Isn't that a great fact? I'll wait while you write that down.
You will need:
2-3 finger chillis, preferrably green but no biggie
2-3 chopped spring onions
1/3 block creamed coconut
handful chopped coriander (precisely the amount provided in a Tesco herb bag, or about 2 tbsp chopped)
handful chopped mint (same amount)
lemon juice
sesame seeds (optional, I like the crunch they give)
salt
vegetable oil
chilli flakes or chilli oil (optional)
Put everything except the vegetable oil and chilli flakes into a food processor.
Check for seasoning, and add chilli flakes or oil if you want it a bit hotter.
Spoon into a container, and keep refrigerated.
I just cooked the chicken in a wok with some onions and added a small amount of chilli pesto and some salad leaves (for greenery, I'm nothing if not aesthetic), then served with some re-hydrated rice noodles which had more of the chilli pesto stirred through.
If you're feeling a little adventurous put a couple of teaspoons in a mug and top with boiling water. Great for when you've got a bit of a cold, and way better than lemsip. Lemsip is rank.
Wednesday 13 February 2013
Oxtail Stew
But how does it taste? Offal! Ha, but seriously, do eat some cow tail.
Oxtail is a lovely, cheap, sinewy cut. Granted there's not much meat on it, but it makes the best winter warmer you can get. I thought you, dear readers, might think it was getting too close to Spring for a proper winter warmer, but then it went and cocking snowed again today, so that shows what you know. Anyway, I got a whole tail from the butcher the other day, so that's what I've cooked up.
Even though the meat you get off of it is relatively small, the collagen from the sinews and the marrow from the bones make the whole stew meaty and unctious. Unctious is a funny word. Unctious. Unctiousunctiousunctious. Weird.
As with any stew, feel free to change it and add whatever root veg you've got to hand. I purposefully made this one extra simple for two reasons. 1) As I was making a big batch I thought that I could add different flavourings to different portions after it was cooked to change it up a bit, and 2) there wasn't enough space in my pan for anything else.
Serves 8 - 10 (it's probably best to freeze half if you make this much)
You will need:
1 whole oxtail, chopped
500ml cheap red wine (actually, the better the wine the better your stew will be, but I just can't face cooking with wine I want to drink. It doesn't feel right)
750ml beef stock
150g pearl barley
Seasoned flour
1 tsp thyme
4 large onions
Coat the oxtail pieces in seasoned flour, and brown, in batches, in your pan.
Remove any bits from the bottom of the pan with a little wine, then add the rest of the ingredients and bring up to simmer.
Put the lid on, and keep on a very low simmer for 3 - 4 hours. I'm lucky enough to have a pressure cooker (which I would highly recommend to anyone who makes a lot of stews and soups), and in that it only took 1 1/2 hours. Leave to cool in the pan, and ideally serve it the next day. All stews taste better the next day, but this is particularly good.
This is great with mashed potato, and if you have some potato left over you could make a little oxtail shepherds pie which would look beautiful and you'd be able to show it off on your blog if you had remembered to take a picture of it.
That's it. I told you this was a basic version. If you want to, I would recommend adding carrots at the start of cooking, or frying up some smoked bacon and mushrooms separately and stirring that in at the end. Try some before the weather gets any warmer.
 |
| Oxtail here, looking gross. |
Oxtail is a lovely, cheap, sinewy cut. Granted there's not much meat on it, but it makes the best winter warmer you can get. I thought you, dear readers, might think it was getting too close to Spring for a proper winter warmer, but then it went and cocking snowed again today, so that shows what you know. Anyway, I got a whole tail from the butcher the other day, so that's what I've cooked up.
Even though the meat you get off of it is relatively small, the collagen from the sinews and the marrow from the bones make the whole stew meaty and unctious. Unctious is a funny word. Unctious. Unctiousunctiousunctious. Weird.
As with any stew, feel free to change it and add whatever root veg you've got to hand. I purposefully made this one extra simple for two reasons. 1) As I was making a big batch I thought that I could add different flavourings to different portions after it was cooked to change it up a bit, and 2) there wasn't enough space in my pan for anything else.
Serves 8 - 10 (it's probably best to freeze half if you make this much)
You will need:
1 whole oxtail, chopped
500ml cheap red wine (actually, the better the wine the better your stew will be, but I just can't face cooking with wine I want to drink. It doesn't feel right)
750ml beef stock
150g pearl barley
Seasoned flour
1 tsp thyme
4 large onions
Coat the oxtail pieces in seasoned flour, and brown, in batches, in your pan.
 |
Put the lid on, and keep on a very low simmer for 3 - 4 hours. I'm lucky enough to have a pressure cooker (which I would highly recommend to anyone who makes a lot of stews and soups), and in that it only took 1 1/2 hours. Leave to cool in the pan, and ideally serve it the next day. All stews taste better the next day, but this is particularly good.
 |
| It looks like the stereotype of grey English food, but this shit is the bomb, I swear. |
That's it. I told you this was a basic version. If you want to, I would recommend adding carrots at the start of cooking, or frying up some smoked bacon and mushrooms separately and stirring that in at the end. Try some before the weather gets any warmer.
GBM Week 2: Scotland
So the contestants last week were Michael (dour stereotypical Scotsman), Mark (illegitimate offspring of Wolverine and K D Lang) and Tony (wearisome office joker) from Scotland, all judged by Angela Hartnett (who I'm really quite fond of and was firm but fair in her scoring).
Once again, what constitutes 'funny' was widely open to debate, and actually entirely ignored in Michael's main dish, but the judges exercised their ancient privilege to ignore their own rules if they like something enough. Tony was probably the guy who stuck with the brief the most, but Christ he didn't half get on my tits. That, and the narrator CONSTANTLY referring to him as 'risk-taker Tony' or 'self-proclaimed joker Tony' meant I wasn't too sad to see him dismissed on Thursday, leaving the Undertaker and KD Lang to face it out in the final. Having said that, his wilful recklessness did provide a nice contrast to the seriousness of the others.
This week the odd editorial decision to have a lot of close-ups on people's eyes kind of made it seem like a Sergio Leone stand-off at some points, but despite the programme makers best efforts to try and inject tension, everyone seemed to get on ok.
Michael ended up the winner, but here's my highlights:
Biggest Prick of the Week - Oliver 'I'm feeling generous, and I'm still going to say it's the worst thing I've ever eaten' Peyton.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Angela Hartnett. I'm not qualified to say on this point, but Pete has come up with the term 'GastroMILF'.
Moment of the Week - When almost all the judges thought Michael's dyed red egg yolk looked gross and didn't want to eat it after he'd spent hours cooking it.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - Michael's 'Chicken hit by a car' dish. Dark, man.
Wild card of the Week - Angela's up-do that made her look like Captain Katherine Janeway.
Once again, what constitutes 'funny' was widely open to debate, and actually entirely ignored in Michael's main dish, but the judges exercised their ancient privilege to ignore their own rules if they like something enough. Tony was probably the guy who stuck with the brief the most, but Christ he didn't half get on my tits. That, and the narrator CONSTANTLY referring to him as 'risk-taker Tony' or 'self-proclaimed joker Tony' meant I wasn't too sad to see him dismissed on Thursday, leaving the Undertaker and KD Lang to face it out in the final. Having said that, his wilful recklessness did provide a nice contrast to the seriousness of the others.
This week the odd editorial decision to have a lot of close-ups on people's eyes kind of made it seem like a Sergio Leone stand-off at some points, but despite the programme makers best efforts to try and inject tension, everyone seemed to get on ok.
Michael ended up the winner, but here's my highlights:
Biggest Prick of the Week - Oliver 'I'm feeling generous, and I'm still going to say it's the worst thing I've ever eaten' Peyton.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Angela Hartnett. I'm not qualified to say on this point, but Pete has come up with the term 'GastroMILF'.
Moment of the Week - When almost all the judges thought Michael's dyed red egg yolk looked gross and didn't want to eat it after he'd spent hours cooking it.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - Michael's 'Chicken hit by a car' dish. Dark, man.
Wild card of the Week - Angela's up-do that made her look like Captain Katherine Janeway.
Monday 4 February 2013
Great British Menu returns!
It's back! The show that I both adore and compulsively hatewatch. The food looks delicious! Everyone is a bastard! The editorial decisions are questionable! I have strongly mixed feelings about the people involved!
This time round there's a Comic Relief tie-in, and the brief is to create dishes that make people laugh. It's tougher than it sounds as almost everyone appears to be entirely humourless about the process, with wildly differing views on what constitutes 'funny'.
It kicked off last week in the South East, with Matt (the new boy), Tom (the old hand) and Adam (Tiny Phil Daniels with a thousand yard stare). It had all the old features of GBM that I find so fascinating; Oliver Peyton whining mournfully, Matthew Fort being posh and making 'Dad' jokes, Prue Leith brokering the peace, strategic editing that makes it look like the competitors spend 80% of their time eyeballing each other, and, of course, chefs aggressively dick swinging. The only way you can pick a favourite is by trying to find someone who seems a little less prickish than the others.
Here's my round up:
Biggest Prick of the Week - Richard Corrigan. I intensely disliked his leading questions showing obvious disapproval and his wheedling rhetoric. He made me uncomfortable. I shouted at the screen a lot.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Matt. The new boy actually seemed quite nice, and I think he handled the brief better than any of them.
Moment of the Week - Tie between Arabella Weir smacking down Matthew Fort when he tried to pretend that a dish that wasn't funny was just funny in a different way (it wasn't), and in the final when Tom raised his hand to clap it on Adam's shoulder in a congratulatory way, and Adam instinctively put up his arm defensively to block the blow.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - Tom Aikens chicken/egg nonsense. Looked fancy, and I'm a sucker for a sabayon.
Wild Card of the Week - Oliver's mint green blazer. Whut.
I'll try and make weekly reports, because the people need to know, godammit. Watch this space.
This time round there's a Comic Relief tie-in, and the brief is to create dishes that make people laugh. It's tougher than it sounds as almost everyone appears to be entirely humourless about the process, with wildly differing views on what constitutes 'funny'.
It kicked off last week in the South East, with Matt (the new boy), Tom (the old hand) and Adam (Tiny Phil Daniels with a thousand yard stare). It had all the old features of GBM that I find so fascinating; Oliver Peyton whining mournfully, Matthew Fort being posh and making 'Dad' jokes, Prue Leith brokering the peace, strategic editing that makes it look like the competitors spend 80% of their time eyeballing each other, and, of course, chefs aggressively dick swinging. The only way you can pick a favourite is by trying to find someone who seems a little less prickish than the others.
Here's my round up:
Biggest Prick of the Week - Richard Corrigan. I intensely disliked his leading questions showing obvious disapproval and his wheedling rhetoric. He made me uncomfortable. I shouted at the screen a lot.
Least Prickish Prick of the Week - Matt. The new boy actually seemed quite nice, and I think he handled the brief better than any of them.
Moment of the Week - Tie between Arabella Weir smacking down Matthew Fort when he tried to pretend that a dish that wasn't funny was just funny in a different way (it wasn't), and in the final when Tom raised his hand to clap it on Adam's shoulder in a congratulatory way, and Adam instinctively put up his arm defensively to block the blow.
Bronwen's Favourite Dish - Tom Aikens chicken/egg nonsense. Looked fancy, and I'm a sucker for a sabayon.
Wild Card of the Week - Oliver's mint green blazer. Whut.
I'll try and make weekly reports, because the people need to know, godammit. Watch this space.
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