The Perfect Cheese Toastie

Did you know it was British Cheese Week? I didn't, which is unusual because I'm interested in both cheese and periods of time devoted to food. Well.

In honour of the week now rapidly drawing to a close, I feel I should mention something cheese related, and I can't think of anything more appropriate than the Best Cheese Toastie of all time, knowledge of which is mine and mine alone.

I have very strong memories of 'exam time' in school and college. It meant a disruption to routine that felt exhilarating as we stayed home without having to fake anything. Suddenly I was on my own for extended periods, making a lunch that didn't need to be packed. It could be anything! I may have gone slightly mad with the possibilities. Eventually I got into the habit of making myself a cheese toastie everyday, but I would not be satisfied with just any cheese toastie. With the dedication and rigorous experimentation of someone who should be spending their time revising, I slowly built up a quantity of data that could be used to create something magnificent. I tried different types of cheese, in different combinations, with different accompaniments. I was very thorough. Although I started 'experimenting' at school (heh), I continued my toastie project in the summers that followed.

After a lot of hard work you'll be glad to know that my efforts paid off, and I now know exactly how to make the best of all cheese toasties. First a few notes to bear in mind when constructing your own toastie:

- Don't waste my time with brown bread. White only.
- Consider both the taste and texture of your cheese, as you do want it to melt properly. I found combining two types gets the best results.
- Any additional condiments should be low in water, but high in flavour. For example, sundried tomatoes are fine, but fresh tomatoes have too much water and turn into soggy, scalding hot distractions.
- Making a filling of cheese sauce with ham as 'a twist on a classic croque monsieur' is a lovely idea in theory, but don't do it.

And now the final recipe *drumroll*

2 slices white bread. Cheap supermarket bread works best in this context.
A few slices of Wensleydale
A little ripped buffalo mozzarella (OK, so it's not British. Whatevs.)
4 basil leaves.

Butter the bread, and place one slice in the toastie maker butter side down, in the traditional style. Put a basil leaf in each corner of the slice, and lay on the slices of Wensleydale. Sprinkle the ripped mozzarella evenly over the top. Top with the second slice of bread, and your sandwich is complete. Close the toastie maker and cook according to instructions.

The mozzarella provides excellent stringyness, while the Wensleydale remains crumbly, salty and flavourful. The basil leaves are the perfect addition as they provide flavour without interfering with the cheese consistency. This is the perfect toastie. You can't argue. The data doesn't lie.

Invention Test Roadshow

Speaking of cooking shows, I really like what Masterchef has done with the invention test, where contestants are given a box of possible ingredients and have to use a selection of them to make something edible. It's the easiest bit of the show to 'play along' with, armchair chef that I am. Of course it's not the same, what with the pressure of being put on the spot and not having access to the stuff you would usually have in your kitchen, but I like to think I'd do pretty well if I had to.

Rather sounds like fun, in fact.

So this lovely Easter weekend, Pete and I thought we'd do something a little different for dinners. One of us would go out and get various ingredients, the other one would have to make something out of them.

The rules:

1) The buyer will get four ingredients, and the chef will have to use at least three in the final meal.
2) Only other ingredients that are already in the kitchen can be used (we had no meat, no cheese, a little creme fraiche, carrots, potatoes and onions for veg, and the usual store cupboard staples and spices).
3) The buyer shouldn't be too mean.

We flipped a coin, and I went up to bat first. I braced myself as Pete went to the shops. He came back with:

Brinjal pickle
Beef burgers
Limes
Ritz crackers

As you can see

I'll pause while you have a think about that.

So. I figured the beefburgers would make up the bulk of the meal, but keeping them as they were seemed a little boring, so I was inclined to cut them into bits. Flavour wise, the brinjal pickle was obviously going to lead the way (I tried some, and it was deep, salty and hot), and that left limes and crackers. Since the pickle was so hot, I thought a little cool, creamy dip incorporating limes would work well. The crackers I should have left alone, but whatever. I thought I could make a crunchy topping with them. Whatever. I don't even care.

Ideas formed. Pete watched excitedly.

Excited.

I started off by cutting the burgers into quarters, then loosely forming them into meatballs and frying them. While they cooked, I chopped an onion and softened it a little in the saucepan before adding 3-4 tablespoons of the pickle. This turned out quite gluey so I added about a mug of water, and let the whole thing simmer for about 10 minutes.

I then took some of the creme fraiche that was in the fridge (about 4 tablespoons) and added the grated zest of a lime, and a small clove of crushed garlic. The lime flavour didn't come through as much as I thought it would, so I also added the juice from half a lime. The other half I put into the brinjal sauce, because I hate waste. I made a crunchy cracker topping by crushing the crackers and mixing them with toasted sesame seeds and coconut flakes, and a good pinch of ground coriander. I put these two in bowls to serve separately.

Like a muller crunch corner

I knew the cracker topping wouldn't be nearly enough of a starchy contribution to go with the meatballs, so I also sauteed some potatoes. They took ages and I ended up burning them slightly, but whatever.

So the whole thing:

Beefburger meatballs in brinjal pickle sauce, with sauteed potatoes, lime and garlic dip, and crushed cracker, sesame seed and coconut topping.

Conclusion: Yeah, pretty good. The sauce was excellent and worked well with the beef, and the creamy dip I think was a necessary counterpart. In fact, I liked the dip so much I will probably make it again. The crackers were fine, but entirely unnecessary. Whatever.

The next day was my turn to buy. The next day was also Easter Sunday, which I had not factored into my plans, as it meant the grocers was shut and I couldn't get any weird veg, which I really wanted to do.

Buying was trickier than I thought. I didn't want to get anything that pointed in one particular direction, so my instinct of picking one thing and following up with things I thought would go with it was off the table. I finally settled on:

Gammon steaks
Butternut squash
Coconut milk
Olive ciabatta rolls

Boom.

It was terribly exciting watching Pete steeple his fingers and walk up and down with purposeful intent. I can't tell you exactly what he did, since the whole process is shrouded in secrecy, but I can tell you that it involved many pans and some swearing.

Hard at work.

This is what he ended up with:

Gammon chunks in a smooth squash and coconut sauce, spiced with cumin, coriander, cinnamon and chilli, with toasted ciabbatta rolls for dipping.

Gammon curry, basically.

It was a really delicious and warming combination, and it made the whole house smell amazing.

It's hard to say who won exactly. I think we were both more critical of our own efforts, so I preferred his dish and he preferred mine. The whole thing was good fun but is best reserved for holiday weekends since it needs a little prep work, but I'd still recommend it. And I don't doubt we'll try it again - come back again for round 2.